My Mom’s Birthday
Today my mom would have turned 52.
But in 2001, she passed away at the age of 41 due to alcoholism.
Even though our relationship was tumultuous at times, I really miss her.
Some times I miss her so much that it hurts.
I get so angry because I feel like she drank herself to death. I get upset because I feel like I was cheated out of having a “real” mother. I am not sure if that makes sense. I know that she had deep reasons for turning to alcohol. She was in pain. I get that. It was her way to deal. But she’s missed so much and it really makes me angry.
She’s missed me getting engaged, married, the birth of her grandsons, and my college graduation. She missed my brother graduating from both high school and college and seeing him getting his first massage therapy job. Now she is missing her grandson’s achievements.
My mom may have been an alcoholic but she did the best she could. She made sure we were fed. She was the best cook around and I always said that she should have opened her own restaurant. (This was another reason that we were overweight as kids too.) She made sure we were clothed. And we were given practically anything we could ever ask for. We didn’t want for anything. She made sure we had more than what she had when she was growing up and even told us so once.
But what we wanted – needed – the most was a sober mother.
I had secretly yearned to have been born into my cousins family. They were the picture perfect family to me. They were what I thought would be considered a “normal” family.
But most days I am somewhat grateful for where and how I grew up. It made me who I am today and I know exactly how I don’t want to live my life. I am stronger because of everything I went through.
So, I hope that where ever you are Mom that you are happy and free of your pain.
I hope you are proud of me and your grandsons. I know if you were here today, you would be spoiling them rotten to the core.
I know we didn’t say it much but… I love you Mom.